I was telling my son the other night, that coming soon to a local mortuary, there would be a live feed of funerals. For some years now, videotapes followed by CDs have been offered to the family as part of the funeral package. Extra tapes can be bought for a charge. In the early 80s, cassette recordings of the funeral service for given to the family.
The cassette recording from my dad's funeral in 1981 included the sounds of my youngest son squealing and laughing in the background while he and his brother were in the basement of the church. It reminded me then and it reminds me now of a song with the lines,
For I hear laughter, and great rejoicing
from Zion's mountain, glad tidings telling
Before cassettes, the common thing to do was to take pictures of the deceased in the casket. These pictures in old albums where and still maybe called, the dead book by one of Ella's great grand daughters. Now before you make a call on this, think about it from a different perspective. People who were ill for a long time generally looked really good after death and it wasn't unusual for people, especially older ladies, to say, "Oh my-ya, day look so goooood". It gave families from far away to have some comfort, too.
Before home flash cameras, the casket with the flowers was set up outside with the deceased family standing around the casket, OR in the case of Nels Rye, the picture of the casket was taken before it was lowered into the ground.
For those of us who have gone to funerals beyond family members, that is, when it was part of our responsibility at our work place, it is amazing how well the person did look. One lady I knew was a janitor, I did not know as she rested in state with her make up and curled hair. Many others too, had been readied for the funeral in a special way to match the image of wellness by the family. You see, there is a big, big difference and trying to match the state of 'look' and health is often accomplished my the servants of the bereaved family in a most artistic way.
My grandmother died of stomach cancer in 1966. Grandmother suffered for several months. Her expressions and her coloring where changed as she become more and more ill. Yet, at the funeral home, while viewing the body, I couldn't help but say to Mr. Green, she really looks well, as if she is sleeping. The only thing I missed was the watch she always wore and the glasses she wore awake or asleep. Green's were like that.
When Grandpa died in 1977 at 98, he too looked like I remembered him snoozing on the couch although his mouth wasn't open. The only thing a miss with him was they had polished the scratches out of his glasses and there wasn't any flour on them from baking bread, (as I remembered him).
Daddy too, had been sick for some time. I thought he looked very nice; mother fussed about his hair cut and tried to fix it. She touched his hand and said he was cold. Of course he was cold. But you see, that is where mother was and what mother thought and saw was important to her.
The last of the group was mother, who died at 80 on our wedding anniversary in the fall of 2002. She actually, in her final hours looked really good. Knowing mother, she may have been to the beauty shop for a permanent a few days before. You would have to know her, believe me.
Nevertheless, Tom and I were there when she died near supper time on a Sunday. The next morning we were at the mortuary early to set the funeral. Again, it is a remembrance concept. What ever a person is like, or the image YOU remember is what the funeral home will try to match. As a child, I remembered her in high heels, nylons with seams, dresses, coats with fur collars and even hats. She was the lady that painted her fingernails with Queen of Diamonds polish in the car while driving!!! However, in the last year, living in Fargo, I saw her anew. She was comfortable in SAS shoes, coordinated clothes in pastel colors, and a simple hair do of short curls which were simple fluffed with a comb when it was dry~~which she maintained by having a permanent every three months.
So when it was time to make ready for the service, the idea was to NOT paint her up. To dress her in something tasteful, and avoid trappings of the 1950's. When we went to view her, the only thing that was missing were earrings. The funeral master put them in and she looked peaceful, well groomed, and didn't bling out of the coffin.
Be mindful that I am NOT against bling. If I were to have an open casket funeral and was making my own choices today, I would request random order wink n blink Christmas lights and some sort of clothing with crystals and sequins that put arcade signs to shame. Line my eyes with purple and put on green eye shadow and rouge up my cheeks so I look like a clown and for heaven sake give me a can of Diet Coke© for the journey. Hey, pack a computer in there too, incase there is wireless. :).
But you see, that is how I see myself. And I am not the one responsible for making me ready. And if they cut my hair with anything but a Flobee© I am not going to look 'right'. Maybe the person responsible will pick something that doesn't JUMP out at you. If it is Tom, certainly it will be fishing clothes, my hat with 40 pins, (lots of luck with lady bugs), a fishing rod and reel. Since we practice catch and release, there will be no bass on the lure. No doubt, I would be wearing a life jacket. Because, you see, that is how he sees me best.
Wouldn't it be simpler to skip a funeral, do cremation, put a marker in the family plot at Rindal Cemetery and bungy cord the ashes on the tonneau cover of the pick up and drive down the road and let the wind carry them off? Or do my children and my sweet Thomas need a good bye point?
When a good friend dies, and one is going to their funeral, as I am today, you think about stuff like this. It is all clutter; junk in float. Like I told Ryen, I may not even hear the sermon, I may only concentrate on something else to help me keep my heart from too much pain. Oh, I know, I have made promises with people not to cry at funerals: my sweet Thomas will have handkerchief.
Think about the styles someone of 92 has encountered over her lifetime. Above the knee, below the knee, above the ankle, below the ankle. Dresses, skirts, pants! Hats in the 20', 30's, 40's, 50's, and even the sixties! Cotton, rayon, nylon, spandex, double knit! POLYESTER!!! Long hair, hair in bun, short hair, curly hair! Yet, I don't remember seeing her in blue jeans and Tee Shirts. Otherwise, name a color, style, or fabric, she probably wore it but didn't get stuck in a style for eons. So if Ella wanted to be buried in red, let it happen. Let the taboo color for funerals pass like some of the rigid rules just like she moved along in her life and found 'old things made a new' and accepted them.
This afternoon at 2 o'clock, we will all say good bye to Ella in a public forum called a funeral. She asked to be buried in red, if not available, then beige. She will be a vision of love to all of us. It will be a celebration of her old life and her new one. One thing we can be assured of is her children will convey her wishes and their wishes and Ella will be remembered in a very special way.
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